The Shady Side of Me
9th May 2005, Monday
Back for a full week of work with a pending designated return to the lab on coming Saturday (14th) at my own will to reboot the equipments due to the power shut down on that day itself.
In doing so I could perhaps claim a half day off, which may be advantageous due to the need to do a lot of administrative issues for my forthcoming Japan Trip...
Anyway like to reveal a side of me which I always aware of its presence but couldn't do anything about..
I definitely follows a trait of been a Scorpio, the vengeful side... Not that I would be on mission to eliminate anyone who did wrong to me... it's just that I could not handle things in a magnanimous manner...
I always tend to shield myself from been spotted by people who I am adamant not to have any dealings with...
Knowing that these particular individuals are in my way, I would usually:
1) Find anywhere to avoid them altogether.
2) Walk pass and pretend to be engrossed in something else that I would have not noticed that present (although I am fully aware)
3) Stay put in a safe zone so that that individual might leave and I could continue with my life, if not I would go to (1)
One very prominent case that occured over the weekend was when I was at La Tendo.
I used to patronise any toy shop whom I had dealings with back at Clarke Quay, and not residing across La Tendo...
We used to have such constant relationship that i joined him for the Wonder Festival Hobby convention last August.
However it was in late last year when his business started to stagger and took a beating, and he struggled to deliver new products out in the market, which then I entrust my usual purchase back to La Tendo
(at this point I have to admit, I have a tedency to wheel and deal for the best prices around and could not so much say I have "loyalty" to any particular shop, that's another bad characteristic of mine)
Since then when I started to discover the warmth and cohesiveness in La Tendo especially with the La Tendo clique, I started distancing that shop whom I could hang out more than half a day in the past... Now I don't even dropby and say hi. Perhaps deep inside I feel a guilt of the switch of loyalty, but in more pragmatic way, could be the fact that I already have found no meaning of dropping by...
I feel ashamed as a human being as of now, I really do... Perhaps in the first place that shop owner is more of someone whom I could find advantage to derive from rather than a normal acquintance; and now when the advantage diminishes, I of course jump off the sinking ship...
That's despicable thoroughly, so I guess in my case it's not to such extend...
But after weeks of not going over to the shop, I guess it became a formality that I would give it a miss altogether...even start been shady, and would dodge here and there just to let him spot my presence. But he of course would be aware of my "gigantic mass", but he is one with much pride (and ego), and would not take the friendly move to come over and greet me purposely. Which resulted now our encounter became a very remote and awkward one...
So on Saturday he cajoled Vincent for a smoke and a chat (as all smokers love to do that during their smoking break), and I was about to leave. However their smoking point was situated just at the entrance where I would leave from. I could have of course bid both smoking friends farewell, but the ugly side of me (and I'm not talking about my facial features) kept me from doing so, thus delaying my return home...
However the wait wasn't worthed it as the other shop owner would eventually arrived to La Tendo and started chatting with the people inside, leaving me pathetically awkward inside and made my silent departure....
It's sad but true, and it's hard for that relationship to be mended; but I'm afraid that I would give people that impression that I'm not ardent enough as a friend and more of looking at ways how to draw more gain to myself... which I think people would have thought so as some of my actions have become very blatant... However I can be as true a friend as anyone else, but somehow something deep within my soul just always spontaneously find ways how I could get something out of a relationship...
Well, I would try to better myself in the future not to so pragmatic in the way I handle people and relationships, and less "shady" in my behavior but seriously I doubt I can guarantee that...
Back for a full week of work with a pending designated return to the lab on coming Saturday (14th) at my own will to reboot the equipments due to the power shut down on that day itself.
In doing so I could perhaps claim a half day off, which may be advantageous due to the need to do a lot of administrative issues for my forthcoming Japan Trip...
Anyway like to reveal a side of me which I always aware of its presence but couldn't do anything about..
I definitely follows a trait of been a Scorpio, the vengeful side... Not that I would be on mission to eliminate anyone who did wrong to me... it's just that I could not handle things in a magnanimous manner...
I always tend to shield myself from been spotted by people who I am adamant not to have any dealings with...
Knowing that these particular individuals are in my way, I would usually:
1) Find anywhere to avoid them altogether.
2) Walk pass and pretend to be engrossed in something else that I would have not noticed that present (although I am fully aware)
3) Stay put in a safe zone so that that individual might leave and I could continue with my life, if not I would go to (1)
One very prominent case that occured over the weekend was when I was at La Tendo.
I used to patronise any toy shop whom I had dealings with back at Clarke Quay, and not residing across La Tendo...
We used to have such constant relationship that i joined him for the Wonder Festival Hobby convention last August.
However it was in late last year when his business started to stagger and took a beating, and he struggled to deliver new products out in the market, which then I entrust my usual purchase back to La Tendo
(at this point I have to admit, I have a tedency to wheel and deal for the best prices around and could not so much say I have "loyalty" to any particular shop, that's another bad characteristic of mine)
Since then when I started to discover the warmth and cohesiveness in La Tendo especially with the La Tendo clique, I started distancing that shop whom I could hang out more than half a day in the past... Now I don't even dropby and say hi. Perhaps deep inside I feel a guilt of the switch of loyalty, but in more pragmatic way, could be the fact that I already have found no meaning of dropping by...
I feel ashamed as a human being as of now, I really do... Perhaps in the first place that shop owner is more of someone whom I could find advantage to derive from rather than a normal acquintance; and now when the advantage diminishes, I of course jump off the sinking ship...
That's despicable thoroughly, so I guess in my case it's not to such extend...
But after weeks of not going over to the shop, I guess it became a formality that I would give it a miss altogether...even start been shady, and would dodge here and there just to let him spot my presence. But he of course would be aware of my "gigantic mass", but he is one with much pride (and ego), and would not take the friendly move to come over and greet me purposely. Which resulted now our encounter became a very remote and awkward one...
So on Saturday he cajoled Vincent for a smoke and a chat (as all smokers love to do that during their smoking break), and I was about to leave. However their smoking point was situated just at the entrance where I would leave from. I could have of course bid both smoking friends farewell, but the ugly side of me (and I'm not talking about my facial features) kept me from doing so, thus delaying my return home...
However the wait wasn't worthed it as the other shop owner would eventually arrived to La Tendo and started chatting with the people inside, leaving me pathetically awkward inside and made my silent departure....
It's sad but true, and it's hard for that relationship to be mended; but I'm afraid that I would give people that impression that I'm not ardent enough as a friend and more of looking at ways how to draw more gain to myself... which I think people would have thought so as some of my actions have become very blatant... However I can be as true a friend as anyone else, but somehow something deep within my soul just always spontaneously find ways how I could get something out of a relationship...
Well, I would try to better myself in the future not to so pragmatic in the way I handle people and relationships, and less "shady" in my behavior but seriously I doubt I can guarantee that...
Japanese word of the day: 醜い ~mi-ni-ku-i~(ugly) There's a side of me that is very ugly...(;_;)
posted by Kei at
4:18 PM
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